Managing Your Need
in Relationships
by Margaret E. Backman, PhD
Clinical Psychologist, New York, New York
As a psychologist, I tend to hear the problem-side
of relationships. And what I often hear when I speak with groups
like this are comments such as "What do I do_ My husband
won't listen to me. He's tired of hearing about my problems."
I am not thinking just about husbands and
wives: I am thinking about lovers, friends, children, siblings,
and parents. I am also thinking about how the effects of post-polio
syndrome can upset the balance in these relationships, and everyone
has to get in balance again, often creating a new type of relationship.
In fact, one of the issues that we talk
about in therapy is how to handle your dependency needs: how to
have them and manage them in relationships; how to avoid letting
them become a burden to you or to others; and how to avoid predicaments
where anyone who says "I'm going to take care of you"
gets into your life.
Another kind of relationship in which dependency
plays a role that can cause conflict may occur when you are living
with or caring for an elderly parent. In one such case, the person
who had had polio started developing symptoms of post-polio syndrome
as he aged. At the same time, his elderly mother was getting older
and becoming more dependent. She began making more demands and
did not understand that her child (now an adult) also needed some
care. There may be people in similar situations here in this audience.
We are all getting to that age where we are becoming caregivers
of parents or older relatives. What do you do when all of a sudden
your own functioning is being compromised, and yet you are expected
to care for someone who does not understand or does not want to
understand your new problems_ There is no easy solution.
Relationships with children, of course,
can be another source of stress. The direction that the stress
takes depends in part upon the age of the child; but regardless
of age, children - even if they are twenty or thirty years old
- do not like to see parents becoming weak, becoming less than
the strong people they once were. Children are often slow to realize
that parents need help and are unable to do what they once did.
So there may be a lot of denial in the family that puts a lot
of pressure on the relationship between parent and child.
When you experience a slowly progressive
disability like the late effects of polio, it has an effect on
the way you relate to others and they to you, particularly those
with whom you live. As your condition changes, roles also begin
to change. One difficulty is that your symptoms and needs may
not always be obvious. You may dislike having to keep reminding
others that you need assistance. Your family and friends may encourage
you to continue to do things that are now difficult for you. They
may be partly in a state of denial, having their own problems
and anxieties in accepting your changing condition. Tempers can
flair and resentments can build. What can you do_
- Keep the lines of communication open.
- Share literature about your `condition.`
- Talk with others about your situation and the changing roles.
Look for ways to change behaviors. Find
new ways of talking with and helping each other. Be an active
participant in managing your needs.
Set limits. Learn how and when to ask for
help.
Remind people if they need prompting. Do
not expect others to always remember or anticipate your needs.
Find people outside of your family and primary
relationships for additional support. Be aware of your own feelings
and those of others.
Recognize others' contributions and show
appreciation. Refrain from manipulation by laying guilt or referring
to yourself as a "burden." Remind yourself that others
close to you also have days when they may feel afraid, anxious,
angry, and tired.
We are talking about empathy A relationship
is a unit in which feelings converge and diverge. It is a give
and take. Keep reminding others of what you want and how you feel.
You may become irritated when you have already told people over
the weeks or years that sometimes you get very tired. Do not take
their forgetfulness as a personal insult. Just quietly learn gentle
ways of reminding them again that you are feeling tired. Seek
individual counseling or family therapy if problerns continue.
Naturally I have a bias in this direction,
being a therapist myself. I am concerned when I see the lists
of treatnent teams set up by some of the medical centers and realize
that no psychologist or other mental health professional is on
them. The OT is on there; the PT is on there. Occasionally they
include a social worker, which usually means someone to handle
the practical matters related to benefits or placement. I ask
all of you to urge your medical professionals to think more about
your mental health to have them not be afraid of emotions. A physician
once said to me (in another context, as I work with people with
various illnesses and conditions besides polio), "God bless
them! Somehow they cope!" And I thought, "Would you
say that of patients who had a pain in their leg or their back_
No, you'd treat them or send them to a professional with expenence
in that area to help stop the pain."
Emotional pain can be dealt with as well.
Problems in relationships can cause pain, too, and that pain can
be dealt with by those with professional training. I hope that
you will feel it a strength, not a weakness, on your part to seek
help for any problems that arise in your relationships.
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